overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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