Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
