There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize