saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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