I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize