dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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