It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
