why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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