Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
