there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize