i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
