I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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