I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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