god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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