Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
