haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Found your dick twin last night
I think I sprained my soul last night
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
