she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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