peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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