: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
