So drunk its hurt
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
