I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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