Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
