Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
