I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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