My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
