dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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