I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
