Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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