did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
