My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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