just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
