I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
