i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize