Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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