Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
