fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
