One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Ladies don't puke and tell
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
