just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
