Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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