the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You have to summon your inner elephant
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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