come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
