no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
