OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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