i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize