His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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