i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
