I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
