I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
