I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
