Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
