thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
