you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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