Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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