Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We left the knife in your bed.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
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