To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
