There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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