I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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