I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
