38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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