the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
