i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
porn star boner night. come get it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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